


Sleepless

by saikuraiko (rqyh)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Interludes galore, It might look like it's in first POV at first but it's actually not, M/M, Props to me for being creative, The road down angstville is a slippery slope made slippery by my tears, Why do I do this to myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-11 08:43:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7041238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rqyh/pseuds/saikuraiko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lev has always wanted to dream about Yaku, but not like this. Never like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleepless

 

We're holding hands.

I smile at him. Warm.

He looks back at me. Cold.

_"I can't do this any more."_

What?

_"You're annoying."_

Why are you telling me this?

_"All you do is make things hard for me."_

Don't. Please.

_"I can't deal with you anymore."_

Please don't say it. 

_"Let's break up."_

We're not holding hands anymore.

###### 

"Lev's not here yet?" Yaku asked, glancing over to see if there was a silver-haired skyscraper in the area as he pulled over a cart of volleyballs, getting ready for practice.

When no one replied, he looked up and saw that everyone was looking at him, a handful of them looking amused. Kuroo was hiding a smirk behind his hand.

"Wh-what?" Yaku asked defensively, though he had no idea what he was being defensive about.

"Well," Kuroo said, finally dropping his hand and sharing a knowing look with Kai, "of all people, shouldn't _you_ be the one knowing anything concerning _Lev?_ "

Yaku felt his cheeks burn as he held onto a volleyball and gripped tight.

"I'm his b-boyfriend, that doesn't mean I suddenly know everything he's doing!" Yaku cursed himself for stumbling over his own words.

"He called himself Lev's boyfriend!" Taketora hollered. "I win the bet Kuroo-san!"

" _You_ —"

Before Yaku could throw the volleyball at Taketora's head, the gym doors opened with a loud clang and he whipped his head around to see Lev, who had both of his arms on either side of the gym doors. 

"Yaku-san!" Lev exclaimed, eyes wide.

Yaku couldn't stop the way his heart suddenly skipped a beat as Lev stood there, looking like he had just run a mile. 

_Fuck._ The first thing he wanted to do was pull him down and kiss him, but he had to get his hormones in control.

"You're late," Yaku scolded, walking over to him with the volleyball in his hands still having the potential to be thrown at someone. "You're disrupting practice. You're not even in your gym uniform," he added, when he noticed.

"I know," Lev said, nodding furiously, and Yaku saw how much sweat was dripping down his face. _Did_ he actually run a mile? "I know, but I wanted to see you first."

Yaku felt his cheeks burn up again as his teammates whistled and hollered behind him. 

"Smooth as _fuck_ , Lev!" someone yelled behind him. Yaku turned to glare at his teammates, and they scrambled to get back to what they were doing. Some of them were still grinning.

"Lev," Yaku said, turning back to him, "we're in the middle of practice."

Lev suddenly looked scared, which surprised Yaku to say the least. 

"A—am I being annoying?" Lev asked, a slight quiver to his voice. 

Yaku stared at him, taken aback— _What kind of question is that?_ —but Lev looked genuinely worried, so Yaku said,

"Of course not, Lev," he assured him. "It's just..."

"Just?" Lev echoed, voice unbelievably small.

"...a bit embarrassing," Yaku admitted, voice close to a mutter. "I—I mean, y-you know I can't handle it when... when..." Yaku closed his eyes. _Ugh. Fine._ "...you're smooth as fuck."

Lev didn't say anything for a while. Then, he burst into laughter, and Yaku had to open his eyes to see his boyfriend doubling over, only slightly resembling Kuroo's donkey bray laughter.

"Oh, it was only that," Lev sighed as soon as he calmed down, sounding... relieved? He smiled down at Yaku. "I'll go change now, Yaku-san."

"Wait, Lev," Yaku blurted out when Lev turned to leave.

"Hm?" Lev turned back.

Yaku looked behind him. His teammates were busy doing pair practices. He turned back to Lev and, as quickly as he could, pulled him down to press a quick kiss onto his cheek. 

Lev beamed when Yaku pulled away, and walked to the locker room with a spring in his step. Yaku turned back to his teammates.

They were all looking at him, looking amused.

"Not. One. Word," Yaku warned, his entire face a furnace as he walked over to them.

Kuroo mumbled a "Lev and Yaku sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I— _fucking_ —" just as Yaku went to throw the volleyball straight at his head. 

###### 

It's fine. 

Everything's fine.

It's just a dream. 

Just a dream.

_"I can't do this any more."_

Why does it feel so real?

###### 

Yaku noticed something different about Lev when the two of them walked home together.

There was a small pout on his face, and his eyebrows were scrunched together—he looked worried. Over what, Yaku didn't know. He was going to find out, though.

"Lev, is something wrong?" Yaku asked, tilting his head up to get a better view of Lev's sullen expression as they walked along a small neighborhood.

"Nothing's wrong, Yaku-san." Lev smiled down at him, but it looked forced. It took only a month of being together with him for Yaku to be able to know for sure when Lev's smile was real or fake—there was no one else he smiled at more in the world, after all.

"Don't lie to me, Lev." Yaku frowned up at him, gripping Lev's wrist to make him stop walking. 

Lev bit his lip, tilting his head down and looking at anywhere but Yaku. The older chased the younger's eyes with his own. He wasn't going to take any of Lev's shit, not today, not ever.

"Look at me," he ordered, now holding both of Lev's wrists in front of him. 

Lev gave in and looked up at Yaku's eyes, and Yaku saw that they were glassy. He felt his heart crack somewhere in his chest and he reached up to cup Lev's face with both of his hands. 

"Lev, what's wrong?" he asked.

Lev reached up and held both of Yaku's hands in his own, looking at him with his bottom lip out in a pout, making an expression Yaku never wanted to see again.

"Do you..." Lev faltered, biting his lip.

"Do I what?" Yaku asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Do you lo—care about me?" Lev finally said.

Yaku sighed, and Lev's eyes immediately flashed with fear, but he said,

"Of course I do, you huge idiot. Do you think I'd be dating you if I didn't?" 

"Really?" Lev asked, eyes searching for an answer in Yaku's.

"Really," Yaku assured him, nodding and smiling. 

"Oh, thank god," Lev breathed out, resting his forehead on Yaku's and closing his eyes, a small smile on his face. 

"Lev?" Yaku was still worried about him.

His boyfriend opened his eyes and suddenly Yaku was looking at the stars, at the night sky, at a galaxy that looked so far away that he was surprised to find it so close to home.

"I love you so much, Yaku-san," Lev mumbled, and he was smiling again. Yaku smiled back and kissed him on the nose, pulling him down the path so they could walk back home before it got dark.

He was too embarrassed and too caught up in the blush he was fighting to hear Lev mumble, "Yaku-san would never hate me. What was I thinking? Of course, he would never hate me."

###### 

Of course he wouldn't. 

_"I can't do this any more."_

It's impossible.

 _"You're annoying."_

Who am I kidding?

Impossible doesn't exist. 

###### 

Yaku watched as Lev pulled a cart full of volleyballs like a zombie from The Walking Dead, if zombies from The Walking Dead could pull carts full of volleyballs.

"He looks like how Kenma looked when he discovered MMORPGs," Kuroo commented beside him, just finishing setting up the net. He was also looking in Lev's direction.

"I'm assuming not good?" Yaku asked.

" _Awful_ ," Kuroo affirmed, looking dead serious.

"I'll go check on him," Yaku said, already walking over to Lev.

"Don't you mean 'check him _out_ '?" Kuroo said, wagging his eyebrows. Yaku glared at him once before coming over to Lev.

"Le—"

Lev let out a shriek that sounded inhumane, nearly jumping out of his skin like a startled cat and pushing the cart to an unfortunate Fukunaga who just happened to be walking over to imminent death.

"Y-Y-Yaku-san!" Lev spluttered as the others went to check on Fukunaga, who had one thumb raised up on the floor. "Good morning!"

"It's four in the afternoon," Yaku pointed out, frowning a little. Now that he was closer, he could see little red lines forming in the white of Lev's eyes. He looked tired. "Lev, what time did you sleep last night?"

Lev flinched, looking away. "Um... seven...?"

"Try again."

Lev sighed. "...At one in the morning."

Yaku crossed his arms, glaring up at Lev. "How many times do I have to tell you that you need to sleep early? You're gonna end up burdening the entire team if you're just gonna come into practice walking like a slug."

When Lev looked at him, he looked absolutely horrified. 

"I'm sorry!" Lev exclaimed, bowing down to his waist, making Yaku take a step back and let out a _geh._ "I won't make the same mistake again!"

"U-uh... yeah. Osu," Yaku settled.

"Get ready, you two!" Kuroo called from behind them. "Practice match starts in ten!"

"We're coming!" Yaku called back. The others were gathered in a small circle on the ground in front of a whiteboard. Fukunaga had a small ice packet on his head, but otherwise he looked fine. 

Yaku glanced at Lev as they walked to the circle, wondering what on earth was going on in Lev's mind.

###### 

_"I can't do this any more."_

_"You're annoying."_

_"All you do is make things hard for me."_

I will do anything not to.

###### 

The gym was deadly silent except for the sound of a volleyball bouncing on the floor. Everyone, on both sides of the net, was staring at a certain silver-haired boy, who was currently picking himself off the floor.

"Did..." Kuroo started, looking at his teammates. "Did Lev just make a perfect receive?"

The entire team yelled and came rushing at Lev from all sides, even Taketora, who usually called him out for a bad receive, was praising him because Lev had just returned the volleyball directly to Kenma—a miracle in its own right.

Yaku was the only one who stood in the same place, staring at Lev with wide eyes. Up until the second set, Lev had been unable to bring the ball up to their setter. He was getting better at receives, but he still wasn't able to return the ball where he wanted. And yet he did. 

When Lev had failed to receive properly for the third time in a row, Yaku had yelled at him, telling him to fix his posture, telling him the things he told him many times before.

That was five minutes ago. Now Lev was being praised and hit on the back for doing something he wasn't able to do before. Yaku was astonished. It was like Lev suddenly swallowed ten Power Berries in the last few moments.

When Lev locked eyes with Yaku from the other side of the net, Yaku gave him two thumbs-up and smiled as wide as he could. He wanted him to know how proud he was. He wanted him to know how happy he was.

He didn't know that he was making things worse.

###### 

He's never smiled at me like that.

_"I can't do this anymore."_

I want him to keep smiling at me like that.

_"You're annoying."_

Don't make this dream come true.

_"All you do is make things hard for me."_

Anything but that.

_"I can't deal with you any more."_

Please don't let it come to that.

###### 

Lev was getting infinitely better at volleyball than he had for the last six months: returning the ball straight to the setter, spiking straights and crosses like there was no tomorrow, even blocking almost every spike thrown at him.

No one noticed the way his shoulders shook, or the lack of a smile on his face when he got praised, or how unnatural the paleness of his face was on his already-pale face. 

Yaku had a feeling that something was wrong, but whenever he would try to get something out of Lev, the latter would either immediately change the subject or not even be there to immediately change the subject.

It was eating at him, how Lev instantly got better after Yaku called him out, even though the libero had already been calling him out many times for the last six months. It was like Lev suddenly realized the absolute importance of Yaku's lectures.

If that really was the case, however, then Lev must've decided to diverge from it if he wasn't even at the gym halfway through practice. 

"Where is that stupid giant?" Yaku grumbled, after the first set of their practice match ended with Kuroo's side winning. 

"It's not like him to skip practice," Kuroo said, taking a sip from his bottle. "I mean, I know he's almost always late, but after the way he's been playing for the past week, I didn't think he'd try something like this."

"I _swear_ to god, when I see him..." Yaku growled, anger displayed all over his face. The entire team all took a step back at the same time.

As if on cue, loud footsteps came running, the sounds becoming louder and louder as whoever it was came nearer and nearer, and then—

"Sorry!" Lev yelled, the sound echoing of gym walls as he held onto the gym doors for dear life. "I... I overslept... a-and..."

"LEV!" Yaku yelled, already striding over to where Lev was. His teammates moved away, making room for him and his unwavering rage. 

Lev flinched at the sound of his name, slumping his shoulders.

"I-I'm sorry, I'm late, Yaku-sa—"

"Practice started _thirty_ minutes ago, Lev!" Yaku scolded, glaring up at the middle blocker. Lev flinched once more. 

"I-I'm s-sorry, I was... I w-was u-up all night... w-watching movies, I—"

" _That's_ your excuse?" Yaku asked. "You come walking in here, in the _middle_ of practice, disrupting a practice match, not even in your gym clothes, because you were up all night watching _movies_ , of all things?"

Lev looked down. 

"How many times do I have to tell you that you need to be on time for practice, Lev! Do you think that just because you got a little better at volleyball you can just come waltzing in the middle of practice like you own the place? Watching movies isn't a valid excuse, Lev! You of all people should—"

Yaku stopped himself when he noticed the tears running down Lev's pale face.

"Shit," he heard someone say behind him. "Yaku made Lev cry..."

Yaku's anger immediately diminished. "Lev..."

"I'm sorry..." Lev whimpered, face scrunched up in pain, cheeks covered in tears that made its way down his chin and to the floor. "I'm sorry..."

Looking at him closer, Yaku could finally see the strain in Lev's red eyes, the dark circles, everything that told Yaku that his boyfriend wasn't fine, not at all.

"I'll be better, I promise..." Lev sobbed, his voice so soft, looking and sounding so much like a puppy kicked by his owner. "I'll be better..."

"Lev..." Yaku reached up to do something, _anything_ , but Lev was already backing away.

"I'm going to change, I'm sorry..." Lev sobbed, and bolted out of there. 

Yaku watched as Lev left the gym, chest heavy. Lev had looked so heartbroken, so hurt, so...

Yaku turned slowly back to his teammates, who were looking at him with equal amount of horror and worry.

"Was I..." he started, biting his lip. "Was I too hard on him?"

A few beats of silence followed, and then it was Inuoka who broke it.

"Senpai, Lev was already crying before you scolded him."

###### 

_"I can't do this anymore."_

Stop.

_"You're annoying."_

Please.

_"All you do is make things hard for me."_

I don't want to hear this.

_"I can't deal with you any more."_

Stop it.

_"Let's break up."_

I don't want to dream anymore. 

###### 

The entire team finally realized how tired Lev was, how sleep-deprived he probably was, when Lev went over to dive for a receive and promptly knocked over an entire cart of volleyballs in the process. 

The ball would have gone over to Kenma and won them the point if the entire team hadn't run over to where Lev was lying on the ground, his eyes threatening to shut. For some reason, Lev just wouldn't let them.

"You look like hell, Lev," Kuroo said, unable to hide his worry as he went to pick Lev up from the pile of volleyballs. 

"I'm fine, Kuroo-san," Lev managed, standing up and immediately falling back down.

"Like hell you are, Lev," Yaku said, and then there it was—Lev flinched, and everything Yaku said came back to him. Regret was a needle, and it was piercing him, hard.

"Come here, Lev," Yaku said, gently, holding Lev's wrist and guiding him to the bench. Yaku knew Lev wasn't ever going to let him go home, so he was just going to have to settle for letting him sleep on the bench. "Kuroo's right. You do look like hell. And you need rest."

"But—"

"No buts, Lev." 

And then Yaku was sitting Lev down on the bench, and then he was cupping his face with both of his hands, and then he was leaning down, pressing their foreheads together.

"Lev, I'm worried about you," Yaku whispered. "Can't you talk to me about this? Please?"

Yaku hoped that Lev would let him. He hoped that Lev would finally let go and open up. Communicate.

But Lev looked down, and Yaku felt a pang in his chest. Hurt.

"Okay, but you have to sleep. Alright?" Yaku traced his thumb along the dark circles that made it look like there was never a time they weren't there, but Yaku knew there was. It was only two weeks ago, but it seemed like a lifetime. 

Lev shook his head. "I don't want to sleep."

"Why not?"

Lev looked up at Yaku. There was something in his eyes that Yaku couldn't decipher. Like Lev was looking at Yaku just to make sure he was really there. 

"I just don't want to."

Yaku held onto Lev's gaze for a few seconds before giving in and leaning to peck him on the forehead.

"Okay. But sit here and rest, at least. And then I'll walk you home, alright?"

Lev nodded and Yaku let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. He went back to his teammates to resume practice.

It didn't last long. 

###### 

He's there. Standing.

I'm here. Sitting.

It's been three days since I last closed my eyes to sleep. 

This is all a mistake, isn't it? My mistake.

My fault.

###### 

Yaku saw every bit of it. The way Lev leaned on the wall, the way his eyes drooped down to a close. The way Lev forced his eyes open, the way he stood up so quickly that he made every head in the room turn.

The way he yelled _No!_ as if Yaku was being murdered right then and there.

###### 

I've memorized every bit of it.

I don't need to fall asleep to know how I'll wake up.

 _It's just a dream_ , I tell myself every time.

And every time, I also tell myself,

_It can become a reality._

###### 

Yaku held Lev's hand tighter than he ever had his entire life. He could feel Lev shake—or maybe it was Yaku who was shaking. Either way, one of them was, and justifiably so, since both of them had reason to be scared.

"Yaku-san."

Yaku stopped in his tracks, and looked back at Lev. Neither of them had spoken ever since Yaku had run over to Lev, picked up both their things and Lev's hand, and left in the middle of practice without another word.

Yaku didn't say anything this time either.

Lev looked at him, and suddenly Yaku was looking at concrete, at broken tiles, at the piece of grass on the forest floor that was denied the one piece of sunlight it desperately needed.

"You don't love me, do you."

And then Lev fell.

###### 

We're holding hands.

I look at him. Cold.

He looks back at me. Cold.

_"I can't deal with you anymore."_

No. Please.

_"You're annoying."_

I don't want you telling me this.

_"All you do is make things hard for me."_

I'm sorry. I'm _sorry._

_"I can't deal with you any more."_

Don't. Please. Anything but that.

_"Let's break up."_

He lets go of my hand and now I'm standing alone. He's no where around. 

I search and search and search but he's not here.

It's my fault. Everything. My fault.

He left me. He doesn't love me any more.

No, he never loved me in the first place.

I fall down to my knees. Everything is pushing down on me. I can't breathe.

 _It's your fault_ , they say.

 _You were never good enough for him_ , they say.

 _You're nothing but a burden to him_ , they say. 

There's nothing I can do. Nothing except cry and cry and cry and regret every single thing I was and am and will be because _he doesn't love me._

Don't leave me...

_Please._

I'll do anything.

Just please...

###### 

"Don't leave me, Yaku-san!"

Lev shot up from his bed with a jolt, hands gripping his blanket as tight as he could, shoulders shaking, tears streaming down his face just like they did every night he woke up just like this.

He cried and sobbed and whimpered, pulling up his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around himself in an attempt to convince himself that there was someone there who could comfort him.

"Lev?"

Lev looked up to see Yaku staring at him with wide eyes, seated on a chair beside his bed—no, not his bed, but a hospital bed.

All Lev could do was stare at Yaku with blurry eyes, and then he realized that Yaku was there, that Yaku was _real_ , and he whimpered, more tears forming around his eyes. 

"Yaku-san..." he sobbed, raising up both his arms, asking for a hug, asking for warmth. Yaku climbed onto him immediately, wrapping his arms around Lev's neck as Lev hugged him tightly. 

He held onto him for dear life, like Yaku would disappear if he didn't. He buried his face into Yaku's shoulder, whispering his name over and over again.

"Lev, can you tell me what's wrong? Please?" He could hear Yaku's voice from beside him—he sounded just as scared as he was.

"You said you didn't want to deal with me any more," Lev sobbed.

"What?"

"You said you wanted to break up. You said it every night." Lev hugged Yaku tighter. "You said I was annoying. That all I ever did was make things hard for you. You said it every time. Every night."

"Lev..."

"I was scared that it would become true. I was scared that you'd tell me that for real. I was scared that you didn't love me as much as I love you. That you didn't love me at all."

Yaku listened as Lev let out beside him all the words he'd been holding back.

All of this was because of a dream. A dream that Lev had to go through every night. A dream of Yaku telling Lev that he didn't love him at all.

He didn't know that the obnoxious and confident Lev held such heavy insecurities. That a few sentences in a dream could affect him this way. That his fear made him do everything he could to not make it a reality, made him lose so much sleep, made him avoid Yaku during the times he needed him the most.

Yaku cried with him.

"I'm scared, Yaku-san," Lev cried. "I'm scared that you don't love me as much as I love you."

_"You don't love me, do you."_

It was then that Yaku realized, for as long as they've been going out, he's never said it. Not once. Not even when he knew it was true.

Yaku pulled his arms from Lev's neck, cupped Lev's face, and kissed him on the lips for the first time. 

He could taste Lev's tears combined with his own, and he kissed him more. Why on earth had he taken such a long time to do this? Why on earth had he given Lev a reason to feel the way he felt?

"I love you," Yaku said, when he pulled away. "God, Lev, I love you _so much_."

Lev cried a bit more and Yaku kissed every inch of Lev's face. His wet cheeks— _I love you_ —his dark circles— _I love you_ —the fold in between his eyebrows— _I love you_ —and once more on the lips, whispering _I love you I love you I love you_ all the way.

"I'm never leaving you, Lev," Yaku promised, pressing kisses onto his cheek, his nose, his forehead. "I'm never leaving."

"I love you so much, Yaku-san," Lev said, pulling Yaku down for another hug, and it reminded Yaku of the one afternoon along that small neighborhood when Lev was crying and Yaku bit back the words he should've said then. The words he said now. 

"I love you, too," Yaku said, putting all of his love in those four words, knowing they were worth a thousand to Lev. To Yaku.

"Really?" Lev asked, and Yaku could hear the small shred of doubt in that small voice of his.

"Really," Yaku said, and kissed him on the lips once more. 

He would keep kissing Lev as many times as it took to convince him that there was no one else he loved more in the entire world.

###### 

We're holding hands. 

I smile at him. Warm.

He smiles back at me. Warm.

"I love you, Lev."

I know he does.

**Author's Note:**

> or: the fic in which i almost electrocuted myself because of the tears that landed on my laptop RIP me
> 
> also did no one notice that when yaku threw the volleyball at kuroo's head he actually made kuroo say something worse than what he was trying to lol RIP Kuroo
> 
> credit to my sister for clicking the "post" button because i am a little pissbaby
> 
> edit (04/08/17): omf 1000 hits!!! almost 150 kudos!!!!!


End file.
